Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to express my interest in securing an Associate of Synergies position at your firm. I believe my ultra-competitive, high-stress, and diversified dating experience provides me with the credentials needed to thrive as an Associate. Though I bring none of the relevant 10+ years of experience that you require in your application, I hope to demonstrate that the skills acquired from dating will highlight how I will add value to your team.
Research and Analysis
Evaluating a potential mate is fraught with uncertainties, poor calculations and….overstatements let’s say. After investing four months into M only to find out he doesn’t believe in evolution, I established a more rigorous background check process before committing any future resources. This process begins with mapping out performance indicators, patterns, and red flags in excel, and ends with my vast network of girlfriends who map out to the nth degree every interaction my future date has ever had. Doing so has allowed me to determine if he has mommy issues to a 99% accuracy level. If you’re looking for someone to go beyond basic research, I am your woman.
Over the past three decades, I have been conditioned to seek out “The One” while avoiding the threats of dragons, witches, and evil stepmothers (thank you Disney). This doesn’t mean I haven’t fallen into traps in the past (love bombing A you were an invaluable lesson), but it does mean that over the years my risk/don’t waste my time detector has become my most faithful tool. It is this near-perfect ability to pass on risky investments that gives me the edge to screen out losing opportunities.
Is there anything a gal loves more than ~potential~ in a man? Is there anything sexier in thinking you can ~change~ a man? My therapist would probably say something like “No, we’ve talked about this many times,” but I have a feeling your shareholders will respect my desire to create value from where there appears to be none. It takes a keen eye to look beyond the chiseled jawline and motorcycle license and dig into what real assets, IP, and talent there is under the hood and ask, what can I make of this? Sometimes this requires a bit of shapeshifting on my part. I’ve been the cheerleader, the CEO, the mom (not proud of that one), the bro, the arm candy (ok not proud of that one either), all with the end goal of helping my investments achieve their full potential. In support, I have attached a list of my prior investments-turned-unicorns who would be happy to serve as a reference.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
The Modern Job Seeker