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Dear Oppy: April 2022

We are proud to continue our agony advice column, Dear Oppy: B-School Advice for the Everyday Sternie – “real questions, terrible advice.”

The Oppy can be quite Stern at times but is here to answer the queries and qualms of all MBA students so send them his/her/their way at oppy@stern.nyu.edu or fill this out, anonymously.

Dear Oppy, 

I just finished IB recruiting and feel like an outcast. How do I get back into social life?

Sincerely,

Lonely Banker

Dear Banker,

Hold on, let me get this straight. You’re preparing to embark on a career in investment banking and you think now is the time to start a social life? 

The average work week for an investment banker can be more than 80 hours depending on what kind of role you’ve got. Some investment bankers have been known to spend more than 100 hours on the clock. That’s literally more than half the hours in a week. Not waking hours. Hours. Far be it from me to tell you how to spend your time – your retirement is probably going to be a lot more secure than mine – but my bigger point is this: Maybe a vibrant social life isn’t exactly in your future?

That may sound harsh, but it’s probably better to accept it now. Honestly, I think you’ve got an advantage because when we’re all hooked up to the Matrix at some point, you’ll be far more ready than I will be. Anyways, I’m not saying you can’t be social, I’m just saying you chose a career that probably means you don’t have time for frivolous things like “Friends” or “Human connection.” Alternatively, if you’re really determined to make a social life happen, with the amount of money you’re probably going to make at McKinsey-Sachs or wherever, you can just buy friends. I’m sure that will attract the best kind of people.

Sincerely, 

Oppy

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Dear Oppy, 

Do you recommend adopting a puppy or an adult dog when starting a full time job after graduation (or is the whole endeavor a big no no)?

Sincerely, 

Puppy Love

Dear Puppy,

Let me respond to your question with a question: Are you ready to have a living creature that depends on you to eat and use the bathroom? Here’s another one: Are you ready to take on that responsibility with a living creature that will literally never grow out of that type of dependent relationship?

Back when Dear Oppy was single, I relished that kind of independence and thought it would last forever. Then I started dating someone and at one of the first parties we attended together, they brought to my attention that we might need to go home soon because the dog needed to go out. It was 10:30.

I’m now married to that someone so you can probably guess how the rest of the night went, but these are the questions you should ask yourself. Owning a dog isn’t small potatoes, and if you’re not adequately prepared for the consequences you may be surprised by what you find the first time you come home from a 3 a.m. bar outing.

Or maybe you won’t be. Just don’t send me the cleaning bill.

Sincerely,

Oppy

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Dear Oppy, 

Any advice for starting a new job that is essentially a full career switch right in the middle of the MBA program???

Sincerely, 

Changing it Up

Dear Changing, 

Congratulations on disregarding your $140,000 investment! Ok, maybe that’s harsh. Dear Oppy doesn’t know if your new career change is relevant to or was in any way created by your ongoing MBA education. What I can tell you is that career changes are tough and require a lot of on-the-fly learning. In fact, understanding your new role and continuing with your MBA studies may be too much of a challenge to bear.

However, there is a bright side! If your whole reason for pursuing an MBA was to make this career change, you’ve done it! Hooray! If you aren’t sure what, exactly, that means, I’ll spell it out for you: 

You no longer need this MBA.

That’s right! You’re good! You’ve already achieved your goals with this program and there is virtually no future benefit you can derive from completing it. If I were you, I’d stop throwing money away and drop out. After all, you’ve got a job to do! Your best bet for success is to dedicate your all to it, which means no more wasting six hours a week in class.

Just remember that tuition bills are non-refundable.

Sincerely, 

Oppy

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Dear Oppy,

Has it occurred to you that the annual April Fools issue might be a bad idea, and that perhaps publishing fake articles with clearly-stated disclaimers explaining how fake they are is potentially damaging to the fragile psyche of MBA students even though those students are apparently tough enough to pursue careers in one of the most competitive cities in the world?

Sincerely, 

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I’m sorry. I thought you were all grown ups who could handle jokes about Chumbawamba.

My bad.

Sincerely,

Oppy

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