We are proud to continue our agony advice column, Dear Oppy: B-School Advice for the Everyday Sternie – “real questions, terrible advice.”
The Oppy can be quite Stern at times but is here to answer the queries and qualms of all MBA students so send them his/her/their way at [email protected] or fill this out, anonymously.
Dear Oppy,
Covid is gone forever and as school opens up I’m ready to roll. With Spring Fling right around the corner, how do I find my Sternie love and ask them to the big dance?
Sincerely,
Spring Thing
Dear Thing,
First of all, you may be getting ahead of yourself. Most relaxation of public health guidelines is basically due to an acceptance that Covid is now endemic and will literally be here forever, not that we’ve finally beaten it. In fact, if NYU’s continued mask mandates are any indication, Covid will constantly haunt us til the end of time and there’s at least a 63% chance you will kill your best friend by breathing in the same room as them. If that doesn’t sound accurate to you, you aren’t paying close enough attention. Have you even done your own research?
Anyways, sure, dances and whatever. So you want to make sure you win over a hottie that looks great in a tux and/or ball gown. I get it? But here’s the thing. You ain’t in high school anymore, dude. You’re a goddamn MBA who is probably about to go rate Russian mortgage-backed securities for Fintech or something. Honestly, that sounds like a pretty easy job these days, but don’t let that distract you. The point is you’re highly educated and are gonna make mad bills. What do you have to be anxious about? Just find someone in your block and ask them if they’re willing to explore the 10% probability that you’ll end up married. We all learned about it at orientation. They know the deal.
Failing that, I’d recommend a flash mob when the apple of your eye is walking through the plaza outside KMC. Kids are all about their Instagram promposals these days, right? All of those seem like a worthwhile use of energy and time.
Best,
Oppy
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Dear Oppy,
I graduate soon and I’m starting to worry as I haven’t landed a full-time job offer yet. Any advice for how to cope with the possibility that I’ll be on the market for a while?
Sincerely,
Will Work for Money
Wait, this person doesn’t have a job yet? God, what a loser.
Um, well, student loans take like 20 years to pay off anyway and you’ve got time, so I’m sure it’ll be fine or whatever.
Best,
Oppy
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Dear Oppy,
Graduation is on the horizon. I’ve already got my gig at the Boston Consulting Group locked up. With more than half a semester still to go, I’m having some difficulty finding the motivation to put maximum effort into my school work. Any tips for how to fend off the laziness?
Sincerely,
Senioritis
Dear Senioritis,
Let me get this straight. You were putting in maximum effort before? We’re talking about actual homework and not socializing or networking, right?
That is crazy. When Dear Oppy had their orientation two years ago one of the current students on the Q&A panel literally told us not to buy the assigned textbooks for our classes.
Seriously. That’s a real thing that happened.
Dear Oppy is genuinely mystified that you’ve toiled away burning the candle at both ends these past 60 credits in pursuit of a magical 4.0 that has no real bearing on whether or not you get to be an Excel Monkey for $200,000 a year (Incidentally, congratulations on your recent job offer to be an Excel Monkey).
The advice you should follow? Lean into that laziness, bro. If you take anything from this experience, aside from knowing how many different things can be described as a “pivot”, it should be that grades literally do not matter at all. As long as you hand in something, you’ll get that shiny piece of paper in May. It’ll be fine.
Unless of course you depend on grade-based employer reimbursement, in which case I suggest you stop writing questions to an online school newspaper and get to work. Chop Chop.
Best,
Oppy
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