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Dear Oppy: April 2021

We are proud to continue our agony advice column, Dear Oppy: B-School Advice for the Everyday Sternie – “real questions, terrible advice.”

Oppy can be quite Stern at times but is here to answer the queries and qualms of all MBA students so send them his/her/their way at oppy@stern.nyu.edu or fill this out, anonymously.

Received from a student:

Dear Oppy,

I am not in the FT or Langone program, where students are nicely slotted into color blocks to make lifelong friends. With Yacht Week looming in the near horizon, how do I ensure I can network – i.e. booze up with the right crew – before it is too late?

Best,

Alone

Dear Alone,

I’m sorry. Do you even go here? I apologize that the inept editorial board failed to clarify, but this is an advice column for Stern students. Wait a second – are you that 60-year-old guy from Iowa that tried to sign up for Stern Singles? We already told you. None of our bachelors or bachelorettes are under 18.

Whoever you are though, I appreciate your perseverance and creativity to use a business school newspaper to source shipmates in advance of the most sacred week of the year. Rumor has it that a group of vaccinated MBA2 ladies are about to embark on what they affectionately call “Shot Girl Summer,” and will likely be found off the coast of the Greek Islands in the next few weeks. Find them on Instagram. They are Stern influencers.

Best,

Oppy

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Received from a student:

Dear Oppy,

Your April Fool’s issue wasn’t funny about transitioning to fully remote learning… I think it gives people a lot of anxiety, considering many of us are doing classes remote as it is. Just stupid and not well thought out. 

Best,

Not Funny

Dear Not Funny,

YOU’RE TAKING CLASSES REMOTE??? You must be kidding me! Didn’t you get the memo from Dean Raghu? We’ve all been packing into KMC and making out at Stern Socials since early February.

I hope your academic abilities are quicker than your wit. Just to be clear, you have realized that Stern has not created its own vaccine and that Cuomo is not actually going to be our commencement speaker at graduation? However, it is within the realm of possibility that Trump could be an adjunct Professional Responsibility professor. We already know that our administration doesn’t hire the highest caliber when it comes to that class…

Best,

Oppy

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In response to a Covid Journal:

Dear Oppy,

Not going to lie. I’m a little worried about the person who wrote last month’s Covid Journal about finding and losing love in quarantine. That was DARK for a three month relationship. I know I am going to be called sexist and racist for saying this, but I have a strong suspicion that a) it is a woman and b) she has allllll of the white privilege. I’m torn between wanting to tell her to get a grip and wanting to hug her to ensure her all will be okay.

Best,

Covid Crazy Concerned

Dear Concerned,

While I cannot disclose an anonymous writer’s identity, I can admit that she does identify as female. But how dare you accuse her of being privileged. You don’t even know her and her life struggles.

She is doing much better, however, and thank you for your concern. After jumping off The Frying Pan on Pier 66 as a cry for help last month, she was pulled ashore by some guys who happened to be nearby on a bachelor party. She spent a few days at a mental health “nourishment” facility, but had to cut the stay short because the WiFi wasn’t great. Remote classes, amirite? Anyway, she just paid an exorbitant amount of money for some genetically-modified teacup “therapy” dog, which I’m sure she is going to Instagram the hell out of. See, another resilient, well-adjusted classmate. I still cannot believe you called her privileged…

Best,

Oppy

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