So, I have something, well, kind of awkward to tell you. And look, I know it’s going to sound weird, or maybe kind of ridiculous, but the more I see clues, the more I get convinced, and I could really use someone’s advice about what to do. Ok. Here it goes: I think the President is coming on to me.
I know. I know. But, look, the guy keeps sending me a bunch of text messages and e-mails and, well, some of them are preeeetty saucy if you get my drift.
It all started a few months ago when I booked tickets to what I had been told was a concert in Tulsa, Okla., for my favorite music genre, K-Pop. Imagine my surprise when it actually ended up being a big gathering of people who like to wear dull red baseball hats and complain about Hillary Clinton buying their favorite pizzeria. Or something like that. It wasn’t really clear to me since it made no rational sense. Like, I know pizzerias can have great margins, but it really seems like a weird career move, and that pizzeria doesn’t even have a basement.
I’m getting off topic. Anyways, now the President e-mails or texts me roughly every 10-15 seconds. Some of the messages are pretty flattering. He constantly tells me I’m a Patriot, which sounds pretty good, and he always refers to me as his friend, which, I mean, just imagine being friends with the President! Pretty cool, right?!
But something tells me he wants something more. I first put the pieces together when, after merely deleting every e-mail I received from the President, I finally received one with the following subject line: “Let’s Meet Up”. The first line of that e-mail?
“I want to show my appreciation for you.”
In the weeks since, the President has e-mailed me multiple times per day. Below is a list — and I cannot stress enough that these are very real e-mails I actually received — of subject lines from those messages:
“Attend a Presidential Debate – You’ll have VIP ACCESS”
“Want to join me in DC? – It’ll be the trip of a lifetime.”
“You’re in! – Here’s what’s next:”
“I need you”
“Do you want to meet the President? – Of course you do”
“Did you see this? – We’ve NEVER done this before.”
“Confirm your trip to DC”
Of course, some of the e-mails he’s sent me haven’t been romantic so much as they’ve been bizarre, such as the one declaring, “The Left HATES you – They hate everything you stand for,” and my personal favorite, “The Nobel Peace Prize – What took so long?”
This guy even has his friends e-mailing me. Last week, someone named “Trump Approval Polls” told me, “We’re only asking YOU, David,” which was curious since one person is pretty low for a representative sample size. Meanwhile, the President texts me constantly, warning that “ANTIFA THUGS WILL RUIN OUR SUBURBS,” or promising me a “free” Trump hat if I give him $45, which sounds an awful lot like just buying a $45 hat. Ditto the MAGA Pint Glasses I “won” and can claim by donating $35.
You know, I’m just now realizing that he’s asking me for money a lot. Like a lot a lot. Multiple times per day. It kind of makes me wonder if he’s not as good at business as he says. Maybe he’s actually really bad at it.
I don’t know, I probably shouldn’t assume. He may be a perfectly nice guy who just wants to spend time with me. I guess it’s nice to be called a patriot all the time, so maybe I should lighten up and think about it. The thing is, though, I’m not really digging it. It’s a lot of attention — I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t love him texting me all the time — and, honestly, over the course of my single years, I learned a couple of valuable lessons:
1) Offering to “show your appreciation for someone” never works, and it’s pretty transparent that you’re not trying to appreciate anything they want appreciated.
2) Emailing and texting someone multiple times per day has never convinced them to like you. Trust me. I’ve done the research.
I’m assuming he’s just not that experienced. I’m trying to be sympathetic to that (he could be super nice at heart!), but I’ve heard some really weird rumors about the guy. Someone told me Russia was putting bounties on the heads of American soldiers and he didn’t bother to do anything about it. And he apparently called our soldiers losers. And he played golf while his brother was dying? And he started encouraging people to vote twice in the upcoming election while simultaneously warning about the potential for voter fraud? And also something about deliberately downplaying how lethal a highly-contagious virus was.
And that was just this summer.
But those rumors are all a little out there, right? Like, I just can’t imagine a President would acknowledge that a virus is super deadly in private and then publicly say the opposite just weeks later when thousands of lives hang in the balance. That sounds CRAZY.
Wait, he did? On tape? While talking to a guy who already wrote a negative book about him? And that guy is famous for taking down a different president because of what that president said on tape? And every political scandal since now gets the word “gate” as a suffix because of it? And a major motion picture was made about it with two of the biggest movie stars on the planet? And that movie is now considered required viewing for anyone who wants to be a journalist?
I mean, he wouldn’t do that, right?
That just sounds dumb.
Like, it sounds really dumb.
Like, talking to that guy on tape literally sounds like the dumbest thing a President could do when he’s planning to say the exact opposite in public.
It just sounds really, really dumb.
Like, I can’t say strongly enough how dumb that sounds.
Ok, there I go again just assuming and expecting the worst of people just typical Dave, right? I should calm down. I mean, maybe hearing it all at once just sounds really bad. It could all be a big nothing!
Before you tell me what you think, I should let you in on the really awkward part, though. There’s this guy Joe. He’s after me, too. His messages aren’t as frequent, and, well, they just aren’t as alarmist. Recently he texted me by saying, “Thanks to supporters like you, August was this campaign’s best fundraising month of all time. But if we are going to beat Donald Trump, we have to do even better this month.” Mostly he’s just trying to sell me bumper stickers. It’s way more subdued. It kind of feels like he, I don’t know, isn’t trying to take advantage of me when I hear from him? I mean, he’s asking me for money pretty regularly, but he isn’t pretending I’m getting some sort of “free” kitchenware in exchange for it. And he isn’t trying to dupe me into some weird weekend getaway to D.C. with him either.
Even so, Joe’s coming on a bit too strong, too, and, again, the whole “I’m already married and my wife doesn’t want me running off with any septuagenarian politicians” thing just makes the whole situation uncomfortable. I’m starting to wonder if I just need to break it to the President — well, I guess both of them, but definitely the President — that I’m just not into it.
Wait, he just emailed me again. Oooh, “Patriot”! I really do like the sound of that. You know, maybe it’s something I could get used—
Oh, wait. He just texted me, too. This is too much. Between you and me, he says all this stuff to make me feel special, but, deep down, I bet he’s saying it to everyone else, too. I hate how men are sometimes.
I feel like if a woman were in his position, she wouldn’t be acting this way at all.