We are proud to continue our agony advice column, Dear Oppy: B-School Advice for the Everyday Sternie.
Oppy can be quite Stern at times but is here to answer the queries and qualms of all MBA students so send them his/her way at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What can I do to help during the crisis?
There’s a lot you can do during the crisis! Try making sandwiches for all your neighbors! Deliver them door to door with a friendly handshake. Physical contact helps ease the tension. Same goes for family: give them a great big hug! Especially the elderly. If you feel ill, power through – we all have to do our part. Finally, with all our free time, it’s the perfect opportunity to visit the doctor to ask all those questions you’ve been putting off. Sunburn or rash? Ask your medical providers now!
I’m sooo bored. What should I do?
Have you thought about buying a puzzle? They’re great for lighting on fire – just like POOF! That’s always fun. Toilet paper is also great for impromptu fires. Hope you have a blast!
This pandemic is driving me nuts. When is the government going to stop killing our economy and let us back outside?
Amen, brother. Our so-called leaders need a wakeup call. This is America! We can’t be expected to sit inside doing nothing (unless it is literally any time before they told us to). I say we take a big swig of Clorox to cure up the ‘Rona, gather up the boys, and head on down to the governor’s office to show them what’s what. I mean, this ain’t China, ammirite? Speaking of, just make sure when you come on down here that you don’t have your 5G activated – better safe than sorry when it comes to Covid19.
Being single during the pandemic sucks. While my couple friends spend the crisis naked and horizontal, I’m stuck home alone trying to convince my bumble and hinge matches to video chat – fully clothed! Even long distance couples are shooting off naked selfies all day. The closest to that I’ve come to seeing nude pics is when that guy in class forgot his video was still on when he logged in shirtless (Evan, if you’re reading this, you should really see a doctor). Do you have any advice?
Home So Alone
Dear Home So Alone,
Have you checked out our excellent Stern Singles column? We hand select the hottest, most eligible Sternies and deliver them to you on a digital platter. Try sending them some unsolicited nudes. Heck, send ‘em to our Stern Somebody’s for good measure. You never know!
P.S. What’s your Snapchat? I’m @oppyhotty2020, hit me up, 😉
While Oppy would like to remain anonymous, we would be amiss to not thank our very own James Prager for being the sounding board that Oppy uses to bounce advice off before he/she doles it out to the Stern community. James, you have kept us laughing and really made this advice column take off. We will miss you but look forward to seeing where your post-MBA career takes you!