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Answers to New Sternies Frequently Asked Questions5 min read

Dan Gidycz, MBA Class of 2014

Here you are! Newly arrived from around the world and across the street, bright eyed and confused about just what exactly it is that you’ve gotten yourself into. And all that is just great – you’re going to learn a whole mess about what does and does not constitute business casual attire, and probably also that hangovers last twice as long at 27 as they did at 19.

Good for you.

But chances are you have some burning questions!

For example, you probably want to know how to plan a networking strategy to guarantee a meaningful audience with recruiters and executives at both Apple and Goldman, or how to maximize the value of your tuition dollars by taking classes that offer training with the greatest applicability and longest shelf-life.

But I don’t know anything about those things. Instead, after consulting no one and doing no actual research of any kind, I’ve constructed a list of questions that you might conceivably ask with some frequency, and their “answers”.

What should I bring to LAUNCH?
– Comfortable shoes: You’re going to stand in line, and walk, and then stand in line some more. But mostly, you’re going to dance. Yes, even you, guy who’s all like, “I don’t dance.” Trust me. It’s going down.

Maybe on a table at 2:27am.

– Hangover Cures: Gatorade, aspirin, multivitamins, coffee, raw eggs, etc.

– A Sweater: I know that it’s sweltering and humid outside, but you’re going to be a sweaty MBAsicle after about 15 minutes in Paulson because the Real Feel™ with the windchill in there is about about 55˚ F (that’s -3˚ C, international students)

– Chewing gum: You are going to be up in a lot of new friends’ faces.

– Phone charger: Sure, you’re supposed to be paying attention, but Facebook is totally networking. Or whatever.

– Backup alarm clock: Show up on time to things, or OSE will actually kick you out of school. You probably get your money back, though? I don’t know.

– A good question to ask new friends: “What are you passionate about?” was going around last year, but I’m more into, “Who is your favorite Muppet and why?”

Why does Career Development send such serious emails?
Because you are rapidly festering chicken thighs, and they are the manager at the Key Foods. If they could whip you upside the head to make you stop chasing your dreams and put on some dress socks, you would already hear the leather creaking. Until you sign that offer, you are a liability.

Can I go out on the 5th floor terraces?

Are you sure?
Stop it. Those are just there to taunt you with the knowledge that hanging out on a rooftop is awesome. Now get to work.

What’s that liquid falling from the sky in Gould Plaza?
Most people think it’s from the HVAC on the roof of Tisch. It probably won’t hurt your computer, but I would keep it clear of your mucous membranes.

How is it possible for every bathroom in the building to be closed for cleaning simultaneously?
Quantum mechanics.

Doesn’t it seem like maybe Dean Henry is a little too good?
No. Peter Henry is a Rhodes Scholar, MIT PhD, will wreck you on the basketball court, and is the nicest guy. He makes other superheroes look like stupid jerks. He’s the hero Stern needs and deserves.

What’s the hardest part of Business School?
Finding 30 minutes a week where your entire study group is free to meet. Doodle is your friend.

If a bearded man approaches me in Washington Square offering a hug, how do I distinguish between NYU President John Sexton and a random creeper?
While they’re both likely to hit you up for money, JSex is clearly marked with his Brooklyn Prep or Yale sweatshirt and Dodgers cap.

Should I join the Leadership Development Initiative?
Only if you were the kid who reveled in your 4th grade Perfect Attendance award. To be clear, I am that kid.

What is grade non-disclosure?
Nothing. Don’t worry about it.

How many club boards should I apply to be on?
Determining the correct number of clubs boards to which to apply is a complicated personal decision that should be based on your goals and interests for your time at Stern. Using my method is a surefire way to balance your workload and leisure time.

Take your age, subtract 25, divide that number into eleven, and multiply by your GMAT score. Take the factorial of the 3rd digit raised to the root of the last digit in your locker number. The 10ths place digit is the number of boards to which you should apply.

If you didn’t get it together to request a locker, you shouldn’t be on the board of any clubs.

Is there anything worse to eat than a White Boxed Lunch?
Yes. There is a tenement in Ridgewood Queens, and down a set of rusted steel stairs to its basement, there is a shattered door – once battered down by the police or some other impatient party.

Through this dilapidated portal, you’ll find an ancient woman. Some say she’s a witch, or a thousand years old, but no one is sure. She has no name.

In exchange for a blood sacrifice (chicken, rabbit, Wharton MBA) she will extract from her cauldron a zebra-striped boxed lunch, which will turn your enemies’ tongues to ash.

And it’s still better than Pizza Mercato.

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