Posts published in “Voices”

Citing his impressive track record of “zero actual days spent in jail” and “a ‘definitely real’ cover of TIME Magazine he showed us,” the Stern School of Business announced Thursday that former President Donald Trump would serve as an adjunct professor this Summer. Trump, who will be teaching one section of Professional Responsibility, is said to be very excited for the role, which he will definitely show up for and plans to teach with his trademark preparation.

“It’s going to be the biggest course ever,” Trump said Thursday. “I heard someone say the other day I’m going to teach the most responsible professional course ever.…

Budweiser’s flagship transport vessel, the Everbeer, became wedged sideways in Egypt’s Suez Canal last week. As it has become increasingly apparent that the boat will not be able to move, a group of activists has spearheaded an initiative to transform the eyesore into a beer garden and restaurant, a la Frying Pan at Pier 66.

The group of activists, backed by Kendall Jenner, are eager to get the EverBeerGarden open for business and are working with officials in Egypt about acquiring ownership of the canal. According to a source close to The Oppy, the goal is to privatize the Suez Canal and auction portions of it via NFTs.…

Citing the fun variety of virtual backgrounds and the quality of a Zoom interface that has functioned with “zero technical problems whatsoever,” the NYU Stern School of Business announced Thursday that it would transition permanently to a 100% online program beginning with the Fall 2021 Semester.

“It’s been going great!” Dean Raghu Sundaram said in a statement. “Major events in the history of mankind have always prompted significant societal change. While the Covid-19 Pandemic has been a test for all of us, the overwhelming lesson has been that human contact is a meaningless drag on educational progress.

“And not for nothing, but our IT team has really developed a lust for power.”…

They thought they were safe. Social media blackout? Check. VPN? Check. Blood pact of secrecy? Check.

Nobody was supposed to find out about Mexico (or Miami or DR or Austin or Jamaica). Lips and phones were sealed. Detox was quiet for a while.

Alas, #roséseason is around the corner and springtime lust cannot be contained forever. The dating apps were calling, and those pre-quarantine profiles needed a little touch up. What better way to show off thirteen months of apartment-floor pushups than some fresh photos in the Tijuana sun?

But the University was ready. They saw what happened to CBS.…