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Stern to Start Non-Profit Specialization: Pay 240k to learn how to earn nothing

At 27 specializations, Stern School of Business offers one of the largest selections of elective options among top MBA programs. Beginning in the Fall 2021 semester, you can add one more to the list.

Drawing inspiration from Gen Z’s cancel culture, the school anticipates fleecing future do-gooders, or as Stern administrators put it, “filling a gap.” It is the only program of its kind and the first non-profit-focused MBA in the world. While typically seen as the knife-at-a-gun-fight of top MBA programs, Stern is thrilled to finally be number one – and for something so necessary.

As Associate Dean of MBA Admissions and Program Innovation, Isser Gallogly, told The New York Times, “Today’s f*cked climate of bigotry, disease, greed, and literal f*cked climate presents a growing need for the selflessness of non-profits to act as a bandaid.” Science and economics have shown bandaids are, in fact, quite effective at curing the root of any issue. Yet, the typical path to a non-profit career has not historically been included in elite B-School curriculums.

*Stern’s new non-profit specialization has entered the chat *— not without a trigger-warning first, of course.

“There’s two types of people in this world—you’re either Atlas or Ayn Rand’s Atlas. Either you carry the boulder of the world’s issues on your back, or you shrug. This specialization is for future business leaders interested in strong backs, not strong traps”, said Dean Raghu Sundaram.

This new specialization aims to equip students with an understanding of key challenges for businesses today, such as human-nature and capitalism.

“It is the perfect time to launch this new program,” said Sundaram. “More than ever, the non-profit industry needs business talent prepared to respond not only to the challenges of today, but those we can’t yet imagine.” 

Like, for instance, Suez Canal blockages, right-wing coups, or gay black men grinding on Satan in bootleg Nikes.

Stern’s program — centered in the wealth inequality capital of the world — provides a foundation of business acumen to students committed to management roles in organizations that require management.

Students can expect a curriculum comprising three categories: business core, anti-business core, and industry/sector focused courses.

Sample Courses include:

  • Investing for Wellbeing Impact: Eat the Rich
  • Ownership and Non-profits: Destroying Generational Wealth
  • Social Impact: Louder for the People in the Back

Stern’s non-profit specialization establishes a new category of MBA: Debt with a purpose.

The steep price of tuition, currently at $240k (though subject to change**), may prohibit the weak-minded from seeking this specialization. 

“Think of it as a donation to Stern, as we are technically a non-profit ourselves,” said faculty adviser Scott Galloway while dusting off his Bentley convertible just in time for the favorable NYC weather. “So you’re already gaining real world experience from the start!”

As Oprah might ask, are you in debt or are you indebted to for your services? Stern would argue the latter.

And while it is certain you will never earn enough money to repay the $240k tuition, nor will you ever achieve a utopian world, in your two-for-one Sisyphean task, one has to imagine you are happy.

**Note: tuition definitely will increase every semester for extenuating circumstantial reasons.

Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fool’s issue and does not have any truth to it. Its purpose is not to cause offense but to bring some laughs, or at least an eyeroll, during these weird times. 

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