Last month, Oppy board members feared for their lives as angry protesters entered their editorial meeting. Who were these protesters? How did they get into their Zoom meeting? Why were they using scented candles as torches? Why did that one man expose himself? The questions were countless and many remain unanswered, but here is what we know…
The mob, including a mix of full-time and Langone students, formed in response to some “tasteless and falsified ‘Dear Oppy’ responses,” stated an MBA1 student. “We didn’t know the advice was meant to be a joke. We thought it was coming from Stern administration. Half of my block did our recruiting interviews on Zoom…TOPLESS with just blazers on because Dear Oppy told us to. We thought ‘Dear Oppy’ was J.P. Eggers’ ghostwriting name. We have never been to Stern in-person. How were we supposed to know it was intentionally giving terrible advice?!”
One Langone student stated that he followed the column for love advice. “I thought Dear Oppy was being serious when it said LinkedIn was the best way to hit on classmates. How was I supposed to know that it’s inappropriate to send a dick pic to every half-attractive classmate I ‘connected’ with? Why is it even called a connection then? Now I am blocked from ever using LinkedIn again. How are prospective employers going to even know I went to Stern!” He then exposed himself to the editorial board.
An MBA2 student said that she was livid because she had personally been called out in a “Dear Oppy” column with her embarrassing Zoom story. “It was bad enough me talking **** about my group went public in a class Zoom chat. Now, everyone at Stern knows from ****** ‘Dear Oppy.’ I told the E-i-C that in confidentiality after a few margs. Then she turns it into an agony aunt letter. **** that *****. Just wait until I am vaccinated…” The E-i-C had to be escorted out of the Zoom meeting into a breakout room for her personal safety.
When The Oppy board approached administration for comment, OSE representatives said that they were thrilled to see Langone and full-time students working together. “This is the first time in Stern history that there has been such successful collaboration between full and part-time students. This is the type of engagement we have been dreaming of. We also appreciate that all students followed the University’s guidelines of holding virtual protests.”
Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fool’s issue and does not have any truth to it. Its purpose is not to cause offense but to bring some laughs,or at least an eyeroll, during these weird times.
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