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Stern to roll out new COVID vaccine from Endless Frontier Labs. Looking for volunteers. Participants will have free entry to next Stern Social.

Endless Frontier Labs (EFL) is a nine-month program at Stern focused on maximizing the potential of massively-scalable science and deep technology startups. As per the website, “common EFL life science verticals include therapeutics, biotechnology, medical devices, advanced chemistry, drug discovery and other inventions that address major needs in healthcare.” Not to be outdone by Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson, or even the likes of Astrazeneca, with its falsified results, EFL decided to create its own COVID vaccine.

With the Sosnoff Lounge and Cafe in KMC vacant this past year, EFL had the perfect location to brew its potion. And with the previous Beer Blast tent turned into a COVID testing center in Gould Plaza, there was plenty of viral matter to be utilized from the “1%” of positive student tests. Mixed with a 60/20/20 ratio of COVID plus saliva, Purell and egg, the vaccine was produced under almost sterile conditions on the desks in the lounge and then stored in the Sosnoff cafe fridges. The new SARS-CoV2 vaccine, named 44W4-Eggers (a combination of Stern’s address, a key ingredient, and Vice Dean JP Eggers’ name), is estimated to remain good under refrigerated conditions for about a week, which is the shelf life of an egg. 

With over 200 vaccines available, Stern is ready to go into phase 1 clinical trials and is looking for subjects to participate in its randomized controlled trial. Due to the desperation for access to vaccines and the general good health status of Stern students that decreases their eligibility criteria for other authorized vaccines, EFL thinks this group of 24-34 year-olds are ideal subjects. 

Principal investigator of the trial and marketing professor Scott Galloway reported in social media: 

“No serious side effects were identified [in the preclinical study] in any recipient [Galloway and Eggers], and recipients [Damodaran and Sundaram] who felt ill nonetheless said they were glad to have gotten the vaccine. Vaccines are one of humanity’s greatest accomplishments, and they are incredibly safe. Fun fact: You are far more likely to be killed by a dog than by a vaccine. Thanks to vaccines, diseases like measles and smallpox, which once killed hundreds of thousands of Americans per year, are rare or unheard of today.” 

With no question of Galloway’s authority or expertise on the matter, it is expected that the vaccine will be 99.99% effective, with a standard deviation of 572 and a p-value of 1 (as calculated by Stern Finance Chair, Professor Aswath Damodaran). 

Students who sign up for the trial, via Campus Groups, will receive free entry into the next Stern Social when the tent is converted back for its intended Beer Blast use.

Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fool’s issue and does not have any truth to it. Its purpose is not to cause offense but to bring some laughs,or at least an eyeroll, during these weird times. 

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