Press "Enter" to skip to content

Nocturnal Bernie Sanders Visits Prompt 50% Reduction in Stern Tuition Starting 2022

In an unexplained turn of events that can only be described as supernatural, NYU Stern’s academic administration this week announced a shocking 50% reduction in tuition, starting Fall 2022. The announcement comes just months after NYU shared its decision to increase tuition by 3.5%, citing financial hardship as a result of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. 

According to the MBA-focused news outlet Poets&Quants, NYU’s renowned MBA program has the second-highest price tag in the world. What occasioned this shocking, groundbreaking reversal? Dear readers, you could not even guess this if you tried. 

As the story goes, about one month ago, all 12 members of NYU Stern’s Tuition Committee were visited in the night by progressive politician Bernie Sanders. In an exclusive interview with The Stern Oppy, one of the members, who preferred to remain anonymous, revealed the unbelievable details: 

“I woke up in the middle of the night and Bernie was just there, right in front of me in my bedroom. We had a long conversation about the state of our country and the inequality built into our higher education system. My eyes are opened to the fact that our system, as Bernie would put it, is ‘rigged.’ I intended to keep quiet about this, I mean, who would ever believe me!? Until it emerged that the other members of our committee had also experienced the apparition, as we call it. We agreed that we couldn’t ignore this call to action, despite its improbable provenance. And in case you were wondering, yes, he was wearing the mittens.” 

Upon the release of the news, traffic to NYU Stern’s admissions website shot up 2,500%. The decision is being covered favorably in the national press. We asked other prestigious business schools including Columbia, Stanford and Harvard if they would follow suit. Each refused to comment. 

Sentiment is mixed closer to home. Current students took to Washington Square Park after the announcement, mostly in protest, prompting local news outlets to cover the matter extensively. One student, who is in her final year of the three-year Langone program commented, “Not gonna lie… I’m pissed. This is really unfair. NYU’s quality has gone way down as tuition has gone up. For example, I was in a virtual ‘breakout room’ discussion in my Professional Ethics class recently. Another student was prostrate on his couch with his lights off, his face illuminated by the screen. He didn’t say anything during our entire 20-minute discussion. It was so weird. This kind of thing happens a lot. I feel like I’m flushing my hard-earned money down the toilet.” 

The news worried another student who was transparent about her unique financial situation, “My parents are very well-off and I didn’t have to take out any loans to pay school. What if the reduction devalues the program in the eyes of potential employers? The best professors won’t want to teach here either. I’ll be interviewing for very selective investment banking jobs in the fall and I don’t want to lose out. My life will be ruined!!!”

Other students that we spoke to don’t think this will make much of a difference given the cost of living in New York City. A senior staffer from Bernie Sanders’ office agreed, asking “Is the program free? If not, it’s not good enough.” As for the nocturnal visits, the office denies any involvement. 

Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fool’s issue and does not have any truth to it. Its purpose is not to cause offense but to bring some laughs, or at least an eyeroll, during these weird times. 

Comments are closed.

Mission News Theme by Compete Themes.