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Former President Trump to join Stern as adjunct faculty

Citing his impressive track record of “zero actual days spent in jail” and “a ‘definitely real’ cover of TIME Magazine he showed us,” the Stern School of Business announced Thursday that former President Donald Trump would serve as an adjunct professor this Summer. Trump, who will be teaching one section of Professional Responsibility, is said to be very excited for the role, which he will definitely show up for and plans to teach with his trademark preparation.

“It’s going to be the biggest course ever,” Trump said Thursday. “I heard someone say the other day I’m going to teach the most responsible professional course ever. A lot of people are saying it, and the thing is, you know, nobody knew business guys had to be responsible. We’re going to be the most responsible. We’re going to be so professional. The best professionals. And everyone’s going to learn it. It’s going to be yuge.”

Former President Trump, who recently left office after being told he had to, shouted at reporters for seven hours Wednesday at Mar-a-Lago to announce his new role. Trump, who agreed to teach professional responsibility after his requests to teach real estate courses were ignored, arrived with a suitcase containing “all of the best business papers.” Cameras at the event later found the suitcase to be empty. The one-time owner of Trump Steaks delivered his remarks from a podium surrounded by stacks of folders representing his business achievements, though strong gusts from Trump’s still-whirring helicopter eventually revealed the folders to be filled with blank paper. Despite the presence of 300 different media organizations, the founder of Trump University only answered questions from OANN and Newsmax.

A concurrent press conference in Washington, D.C., at which President Joe Biden discussed the recently-passed American Rescue Plan and plans for a multi-trillion-dollar infrastructure package, was attended by one Axios reporter and the President’s dog Major.

“Donald Trump, through ventures like the Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Ocean Resort Baja Mexico, and his airline, Trump Shuttle, developed the kind of experience that only comes from steering six entities into bankruptcy,” Stern Dean Raghu Sundaram said in a statement. “In addition to valuable business lessons like how to not pay contractors, our newest adjunct will also provide the perspective of someone who has successfully avoided conviction in two separate impeachment trials. As well, his management of the Covid-19 Pandemic is an example of how one could handle a crisis. Technically, he did provide an example of that. That’s a real, true thing. Prove me wrong.”

The WWE Hall-of-Famer will not begin teaching until this May, a relief to school administrators, who need ample time to repaint the Kaufman Management Center bright gold and acquire significant reserves of fast food. Nonetheless, anticipation around campus has reached a fever pitch. 

While some members of the Stern community have been cool or expressed ambivalence to the hire, many students are eager to study under the one-time board member of the Trump Foundation.

“There are only so many chances to learn from the man considered most-responsible for the collapse of the USFL,” said Langone student John Barron. “I can’t wait to soak up important lessons about ‘Executive Time’ and installing your children in high-ranking positions.”

Trump, co-star of the 2002 romantic comedy Two Weeks Notice, expressed similar excitement, telling reporters he couldn’t wait to “show off my really big brain.” 

“Stern is a world class institution because of the caliber of its faculty,” Sundaram said. “Not every business school boasts the winner of the 1989 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, which Trump received for his performance in the Bo Derek film Ghosts Can’t Do It

“We believe our students can learn a great deal from his example. One way or another.”

Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fool’s issue and does not have any truth to it. Its purpose is not to cause offense but to bring some laughs,or at least an eyeroll, during these weird times. 

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