We are proud to continue our agony advice column, Dear Oppy: B-School Advice for the Everyday Sternie.
Oppy can be quite Stern at times but is here to answer the queries and qualms of all MBA students so send them his/her way at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t want to spend it alone. The pandemic has made dating tougher than it already was. Do I swipe right on a dating app? Try to slide into the DM’s of my cute classmate? Is it even safe to meet up? I don’t know. Any advice on how to find that perfect someone in time for Feb 14?
Let me be absolutely clear: if you so much as swipe right on somebody, you will catch COVID19 and die. Even thinking about it is putting yourself and others at risk.
Open Hinge? Dead.
Browsed Bumble? Superspreader event – and dead.
Tempted by Tinder? Congrats – You just created a vaccine-resistant strain.
My advice: Spare the rest of us and die alone the old-fashioned, pre-covid way.
I’m an MBA1 and still getting used to business school. There are so many unwritten rules and complex social dynamics. It’s one part professional, one part college party, and a sprinkle of middle-school awkwardness and anxiety. What’s the cool b-school way to make a move? I have my eye on a cute classmate. She’s smart, beautiful, internship-offer-in-hand, and super funny. How would you suggest I shoot my shot?
B-School of Love
Business school is indeed a complex social environment. But you touched on the most important part – professionalism. So to make your move, the most appropriate action is to reach out via LinkedIn. LinkedIn is easily the most intimate, sexy way to win over a b-school student. Nothing oozes romance like connecting over your mutual list of proficiencies in Microsoft Office products (full suite required). Format your missive in the STAR method – Situation, Task, Action, and Result. The Result should always be a dick pic.
I’m writing about one of the Stern Singles you profiled last year. He’s tall, handsome, charming and has a great smile – James Prager. Your ground-breaking interview with him (and pictures!) got this banker girl’s engine revving, if you know what I mean. Can you put me in touch with him?
-Pining for Prager
See my response above but adapt it for your own style. For example, send a nude of yourself instead of a dick pic. Just…do not send a dick pic. Alternatively, kidnap him while he’s walking his dog. Spontaneity and creativity impresses men, too!
What have I done? Almost my entire business school experience has been remote. This cost me $170,000 and I haven’t even met most of my professors, let alone built a robust network. And to cap it all off the hedgefund I interned at just got taken out by Gamestop – along with my full-time offer. Has this been a huge mistake?
‘21 and Done
Dear ‘21 and Done,
Yes. Yes, it has been a terrible, awful mistake.