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The Phases of Quarantine (for Non-Essential Workers)

Day 1: This lockdown will be my Hot Girl Quarantine – time to get in shape! 

  • Proceeds to InstaCart – only fresh fruit and veggies, keeping snacks at home is too unsafe. Orders Booty Bands and dumbbells through Amazon. When the groceries and packages get delivered, uses pounds of disinfectant on the outsides of all the bags and packaging. Admires the colorful fridge full of fresh food and the colorful living room full of exercise equipment. 
  • Sets up several Zoom and FaceTime happy hours, it’s just like the real thing!
  • “I can finally put a dent in my long list of Netflix and Hulu shows to watch. Quarantine will be great!”

1 week later: Spirits still high

  • “The key to a successful quarantine is maintaining a routine, I’m going to wake up, get dressed, and do my makeup like every other day.”
  • Finishes Tiger King and reads several forums and conspiracy theories about how Carole Baskin did it. But did she? 
  • Orders flour and yeast to make focaccia. “I’m going to be an amazing baker after this.”

2 Weeks later: We can do this

  • Pins several fun and exciting baking recipes and bakes banana bread.
  • No one can tell how greasy my hair is over Zoom, right? Or that I’m wearing the same shirt in every class?
  • “I should use the vegetables in the fridge, but supporting small businesses is critical. Takeout it is!”
  • These Zoom backgrounds are hilarious!

4 Weeks later: How much longer?

  • How can I get out of this Zoom “Birthday Happy Hour?” 
  • Wakes up, rolls over, and logs into Zoom class from bed. Really hope my camera doesn’t turn on. 
  • Watched everything on Netflix and Hulu and maxed out free trials on ShowTime and HBO; should I get Disney +? 
  • Exercise equipment and sneakers are collecting dust in the living room corner. 

8 Weeks Later:  This is life now

  • Can’t wait for my walk later. I’ll turn left instead of right outside of my building – keeping things spicy. 
  • The local pizza place knows my order….and all three of my quarantine outfits. 
  • Would give an arm for a professional pedicure.
  • Is today Tuesday or Sunday?

Photo credit: https://www.wearethemighty.com/MIGHTY-SURVIVAL/more-covid-19-memes?rebelltitem=35#rebelltitem35

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