The Oppy Astrologer
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19):
Saturn is in the sky, which will cause you to doubt yourself. You will wonder if your handshake has the right amount of pressure and force. Sunday nights will be spent in front of the mirror, shaking your right hand with your left, trying to get to the bottom of it. But you won’t know if your right hand is too strong…or if your left hand is too weak.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
There’s no easy way to put this, Pisces. Venus is turning clockwise, which means that all your life decisions so far have been wrong. Art History was your true calling, and that mean kid in second grade was actually your soul mate. But fear not! All it takes to fix your tawdry, broken life is a box of finger paints and a 2am Facebook message titled, “Heyyy.”
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Aries, you tempestuous scallywag! Your zest for life has caused you to burn that candle at both ends, and your white T-shirts simply cannot handle another pickleback stain. Most people will tell you to reform, but astrology knows better. Buy a pickle-colored shirt and let your troubles melt away. Also don’t ride the bus until Pluto completes its occultation cycle or whatever.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Your normally jejune nature is belied by Orion’s passage into the Outer Hebrides. You will shave for the first time in five years to bend to the will of prospective employers; when you walk through Prospect Park you will wistfully stroke your cheeks while the hipsters internally refer to you as ‘The Man.’ Meanwhile, your dog will refuse look you in the eye, but that may be due to the alignment of Canis Major.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
The sun is in the sky, and your affable nature will shine brightly for the next two weeks, allowing you to find peace and fulfilment within yourself. After that, you will develop a crippling addiction to paint fumes, drop out of school and wander the streets of Soho offering to calculate Yield to Maturity for food. Hey, at least you’re not doing IB recruiting.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
As a Cancer, you hate yourself deeply. You will reflect on this quirk of personality each morning, while you dutifully choose between a charcoal suit and a slate gray suit. Does Credit Suisse want me to be bold yet traditional (charcoal) or assertively conservative (slate)? In these instances of self-doubt, you should trust the stars – cold, lifeless space rocks floating thousands of light-years away, insouciant to your very existence. Go with the charcoal.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
In astrology, the term Accidental Dignity refers to a planet achieving prominence not through its own rise, but through another planet’s fall. This month, the best you can hope for is accidental dignity. Encourage your blockmates to take shots and pose for compromising Instagram selfies. Tell people you’re, like, not even recruiting that hard yet. Soon their complacency will be your crowning achievement.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
This month, you will face strong currents from all sides, like a sock caught in a spin cycle. But with the sun crossing Libra’s moon, day-to-day concerns such as money and work will evaporate and you can focus on your true passions. Which, because this is business school, are money and work. In regard to the former, reflect on your membership fees for clubs whose meetings you will never attend (looking at you, Adam Smith Society). For the latter, consider developing OCD.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
This is your month to win or lose, so depending on your appetite for risk, play either more or less beer pong. The stars can’t always be definitive. However, my advice for the month, like this paper, is free: practice your 60-second elevator pitch with people on the subway; never remove your nametag; breathe into your hand to check your breath whenever you’re not alone; and tip your server. That karma will come in handy when you re-enter the workforce.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
As Neptune moves to transect the Euphrates, you will find your mood rapidly improving. Situations that last week would have had you intoning ancient curses will now barely warrant a modern-day swear. But don’t pat yourself on the back too quickly – your upbeat attitude will actually enrage your peers, thereby elevating their misery and despair to celestial proportions. You will also be presented with a financial opportunity in the form of a mysterious riddle.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
Capricorn, you’ve had a tough year. With Jupiter Ascending falling in the box office, it’s been hard to get a sense of grounding and perspective. Stay true to the path you’re on though; the decisions you made will pay off soon. In particular, keep writing angry letters to your Congressperson and call your mama once every tuition payment deadline. You will also be presented with a mysterious riddle in the form of a financial opportunity.
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